Memories, just like love, fade away

August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011

I want NEED to get my old life back. And I wanna get back to school. This year's semester break is the most dreadful and boring one I have ever experienced in my entire school life. Oh holy cow, why is life so evil to me? It's slowly killing me every single day of the break. I've got nothing to do but sleep, eat, face the computer/tv, and the cycle goes on and on. Lately I have been feeling the need to discover new ways of putting color to my dull life. Would somebody try to switch places with me, even if just for a day? Seriously. Try living my life. :)

Labels: life

Dearest One,

You asked for it. At first I was hesitant because the favor asked wasn't a piece of cake for someone of my age that time. But realizing that the others have agreed upon it, I tried as well. I exerted full effort. I even skipped meals, had restless days and sleepless nights just to fulfill what's expected of me. Well in your point of view it might be insufficient, but we had our own views, and these opinions were bound to be different, like two islands located on opposite sides of the earth.

We had countless arguments. You were blaming me for those inefficiencies I had done for the past times, and even going back to past issues and arguing with me like there's no tomorrow. It became hard for me; I had a really hard time. I was, again, expected of something very high. But I did not think of giving up, being the hard-headed kid I was. You were the one responsible- you inculcated it into my mind, and as years went by, it eventually became my ultimate goal to impress you, to satisfy, or even exceed, your expectations.

I worked even hard. The first stage of the challenge you dared upon me was already nearing its end. I just knew it. And so I gave my best shot. Turns out that the best I could give wasn't the 'best' you expected of me. There was something 'better' than my best. That was how I lost the battle.

I didn't give up. Seeing your disappointment gave me a hint of how much you've been rooting for me for a long long time. You don't even realize how much of a burden it had been to me. It was like I have carried the world upon my shoulders. That feeling was inevitable, or at least I thought it was.

Moving on, I really did not give up. I just can't. There was fear in me because of you. Yet again, I worked hard, but with less effort than before. Slowly, I gopt tired of meeting other people's expectations. It was absolutely tiresome, and it really wasn't easy to begin with. The skills I have practiced with all my blood and sweat were slowly deteriorating, and so the second stage of the challenge became very hard for me to overcome. What will I get from it? I started asking myself. I did not know better then.

Eventually something came up. It was so sudden that everyone was surprised-- no, shocked. Even I was so dumbfounded. My perplexed mind seemed to have stopped working when I came to know that you were gone. You, who served as my arms and legs, ;eft me. I almost died during the first months. Recovery was almost impossible.

But I did not want to disappoint. I pushed further. Now that I have lost one of the most precious things in my life, I need to stand on my own feet and continue. Like they say, starting is half the battle, so I've already gone halfway.

You blame me for the wrongs.Why? Am I not a human too? Am I not allowed for mistakes? Don't blame me for this. You were too insensitive to notice. This will never be the same again as I move on to the next 'rounds' of the battle. It is not that easy but I swear I will try the best I can to prove myself to you and to everyone else. After I finish this battle I just hope you will recognize me as significant. Thank you for everything, anyway! I could have hatred for you but you helped me all the same. Until next time, mom.


Sincerely,
Your daughter